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“I already can’t wait for you to come back even tho you haven’t left yet”

I remember the first time you took my hand,

it was a sunny afternoon in a small city park;

we stood up and yours just slipped into mine –

behaving like it was the most natural thing.


I remember the first time my fingertips run down your back,

following the architecture of your muscles;

I closed my eyes and traced your tattoo –

trying to imprint your skin into my mind.


I remember the first time I felt that energy flowing,

it was late night or early morning, and we were crashing bars;

you disclosed your desires to me –

saying I would have probably needed to know.


I remember the first time I was afraid to lose you,

days were too much, and you needed space;

I searched your profile and smelled you in crowds –

waiting for the world to stop spinning.

I’m horribe at taking risks and starting conversations

I’m horrible at taking risks and starting conversations,

but no, that’s not true.

I’m excellent at taking risks but awful at taking the consequences,

and I’m good, so good, so fucking

good at running running running away.


I’m great at starting conversations, being quirky, funny and entertaining.

But just in drops.

In particles.


I do not know how to talk to you.

To keep smiling.

To keep be interesting, being mysterious, shining, bright and big


Eventually I will show up. Eventually

you will notice it under my skin, translucent,

violent, crushing out, scraping, ripping, lacerating

the surface, screaming vomiting, rotten, black,

big huge invading corroding.

Eventually you will notice it


And I will run.


I will run run run run run run run run run

Escaping from you


and escaping from me.

but it will catch up




my first love was for life


I used to stand fiercely by her side all the time 

I used to feel her, to crave her touch and kiss her whenever I had the chance.


I didn’t think even once about losing her,

I was careless, dancing without thinking where my feet were landing, knowing she would keep an eye on me.


I still do that.

I still dance carelessly.


but then I started falling

I felll hard hitting my head, cracking my teeth and knocking the wind out of my body.


I tried stop dancing

It was worse.


Then I started dancing while watching my feets.

It was nice at first, thinking I had control, stepping over holes and fences.


But over time I felt sick of it

but I couldn’t stop


My eyes were glued to the ground 

my head stuck in a weird angle.


I just kept going 


I should probably look up

But I’m just so tired.


I like to say that 

I’m tall.


I’m actually not.


170 centimeters is a average height 

for a woman.


Average. That’s a term that I don’t like.

What else don’t I like? 

well, I don’t like 

comparing myself to people,

 I don’t like 

being mean for no reason,

 I don’t like 

being behind in every situation




I like to say

 that I’m not


I like to dress weird 


on purpose 

to trick myself into thinking 

I’m special 


I like to say things to shock people

even if sometimes I go too far and they

squint their eyes at me



I also like fruit.


Like a lot.


When I was sixteen I only ate apples

over 10 a days 


I wasn’t really happy back then.

But they told me I looked good 

and that they never sow me so skinny 

and beautiful.


I like to be beautiful

I love when people compliment my hair,

my pretty face 


they told me I look like a doll with my round face

reed cheeks, golden locks and quirky smile


I don’t feel like a doll 

I don’t like being thrown around 

I don’t like being told to shut up

and most of all I don’t like being touched.


I fucking hate when people insist to touch me.

even if I don’t want to

even if  I don’t say no aloud.


I like to say that I’m tall.


but I don’t mean it physically.


my voice is tall

my mind is tall 

but my personality is not.

my personality is  117 centimeters, the exact equivalent of a five year old with a sugar rush.


like a bad one.

You know, when they start screaming and running in circles?


but again

I’m not innocent enough to be that child




If I’m not tall

If I’m not average

If I’m not a doll


If I’m not a child





what am I?